kaya's story
When I was 20, I was so carefree. I didn’t know anything about exercise, nutrition, food, nothing. I ate and drank anything. Dominoes and KFC twice a week? YES. I never thought about my weight; whatever I wanted to eat or drink I would. I reminisce about those days sometimes.
Somewhere down the line between being in a long distance relationship and away on my own for the first time at uni how I looked became my number one priority and I would constantly worry about what I looked like. This was the beginning of me experiencing a true lack of self worth and confidence and it manifested into one of my biggest battles. My mind started to race 24/7 - what can I eat? What can’t I eat? What will make me fat? What will make me skinny? I can skip a meal, it won’t harm me. And, as I was on my own a lot, these voices became constant and loud. My boyfriend at the time started noticing my weight loss and commenting on how I had gotten thinner. It made me happy that he would notice, even though he didn’t like it, because I got so little attention from him then since we were long distance. He’d get frustrated and constantly be asking me whether I was eating, what I was eating, why I looked so skinny. He couldn’t understand my obsession. And I get it, it’s hard for people to understand. But at this point I couldn’t stop nor did I want to, because I was getting something out of depriving myself. Eating had turned into all-consuming; a nightmare. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I had an eating disorder.
"Eating had turned into something all consuming; a nightmare."
After uni, I moved back home and my boyfriend moved in with me and my family. I started a new job with a beauty PR agency in Central London almost immediately after graduating. I was excited to start my career. I was busy, working insane hours — 9AM ‘til 9PM some days (part of this was the job itself but another part of me was avoiding home) — but I loved what I did. Because of his job, my boyfriend was at home a lot. The relationship started to get bad but also my mum was unwell. I felt the pressure to maintain a balance at home while trying to balance my career. My energy levels dropped. I wasn’t eating nearly enough for the amount of work I was doing. He and my parents would constantly go on at me as soon as I got home and ask me about my eating and this started to make me feel uncomfortable, a bit abnormal, more insecure and like there was something wrong with me. Now we were together all the time I just wanted to be spoken to normally and not to be hassled. So sometimes it was easier to lie, just to get them off my back. Every inquisition started to become a reminder of those loud voices in my head and when I got home, I just wanted to be on my own. I was still trying to go to the gym as this was important to my bid to stay skinny, but it also gave me space on my own but there was hardly any time to go so I was watching more and more what was going into my mouth to make up for it.
There would be days when I’d eat a bowl of dry cereal (no milk), some tuna and nothing else. The sugary cereal was my comfort. As I’d always eaten a lot of sugar, I’d figured that I could eat this in replacement to actual meals. It was also giving me the energy I was lacking from my lack of overall nutrition. My favourite thing in the world was pick ‘n’ mix. If I treated myself to this, I wouldn’t eat anything else the entire day. It felt like a real treat, it was what my body knew so it felt acceptable and it made me feel energised so it was okay, as long as I didn’t eat anything else.
In early 2014, Psycle London opened literally a stone’s throw away from my office. They were giving out free credits to the businesses in the area and I was so up for giving it a try seeing as getting to the gym was still hard. I remember my first class clearly. The darkness of the studio made me feel safe; I couldn’t see anyone and they couldn’t see me. After class, I was overwhelmed, confused and happy all at the same time. The feeling was just crazy. I didn’t really know what had happened but what I did know is I felt unbelieveable. And for the first time in long time, I forgot about everything — home, my relationship and now, even those voices. For 45 minutes, they went silent and that had never happened before; not even at the gym. It was a game changer.
"Everyone knew me and nobody judged me. It became my community."
I wasn’t earning a lot of money but I prioritised going to class over everything and my parents and my boyfriend noticed. ‘What is Psycle?’ ‘You don’t need to be exercising’ ‘Are you eating enough?’ ‘How much does it cost?’ The questioning continued. They associated going to class with my eating habits, but, for me, now, working out was becoming more than that. It was the first place where I could just let go, feel accepted and somewhat normal and not hear the voices. Everyone at Psycle knew me and nobody judged me. It became my community. Front of House knew my name, my favourite bike, my shoe size, where I worked. I was at home there and, at the same time, no one knew my home life or my eating habits; they knew me for more than that. They knew me for the person and rider I was and how much I loved being in that front row nearly every single morning. They saw me for me, not my weight and I felt it. The bike became a reminder of who I truly was, without the voices, without the story. It became my sanctuary and the only place that allowed me to feel good both on the inside and outside. The bike gave me the space to finally switch off and start fresh.
I carried on for months and months but although I kept up Psycle, I still wasn’t eating enough and off the bike, those voices in my head were still loud. I became more and more scared of eating as the questioning at home got worse. Every time they’d mention it, I’d feel an unbearable amount of pressure and I’d panic. I dreaded going home, my relationship with my parents wasn’t good and my boyfriend and I barely spoke. We were two humans staying in the same house. I was lying about exercising because I felt judged for spending so much money on it and I was lying about my diet. All the time. He mentioned how he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. He became angry at me and I didn’t feel safe to express the guilt, hatred and lack of confidence that I was feeling for myself and what I was going through so I kept quiet. At this point, I knew what I was doing to myself wasn’t healthy. My outer world was now reflecting my inner world and I didn't know what to do to make it stop. I now knew I needed help. I asked him for it, but it was hard for him to understand and understandably he didn't know what to do. The guilt got louder and so I remained silent.
Later that year, a lot changed. I got kicked out of my family home, quit my job and after six years, me and my boyfriend broke up. I was struggling to find myself and my way internally and in the end I knew the relationship was not helping him and me to try and overcome my difficulties around eating; it was just making them more apparent. I moved to a new place on my own and I started a new job, my dream job, working for my favourite beauty brand and it felt like I was starting fresh. The people I lived with didn't know me, nor did my new colleagues and they didn’t know my past or about my eating and they didn’t judge me. It was a clean slate. I was still going to Psycle before work even though my workplace was considerably further away. I made it happen. I couldn’t stop Psycle, it’s the only thing that carried me though everything. I was suffocated and mentally exhausted every single day from the thought of food and still nothing apart from going to class was helping those voices go silent. But now, I was out of my family house, away from my ex, I started to realise how important this place was, how much of a role it had played in getting me through the hardest moments and again, what it reminded me of. It reminded me of who I was without the voices. Although I had settled into my new job and new role I couldn’t stop thinking about getting more involved with Psycle. I sent the CEO an email with the subject ‘Becoming Part of the Psycle Family’ and she invited me to come in and audition for the instructor academy. Little did I know that this was the beginning, a light at the end of the tunnel.
"This was the beginning, a light at the end of the tunnel."
From the moment I stepped onto that instructor bike for my audition, I felt at home. Although I was unbelievably nervous, as soon as I got up there, I knew I had to make this happen and there was suddenly a new positive voice talking to me now out of nowhere that I'd NEVER heard before. It was overwhelming to suddenly be in front of the people who had unknowingly helped me through the one of the most difficult times of my life. I ended up getting onto the training academy with about ten others. To date this period is one of the happiest, proudest moments of my life. Nothing had ever felt so right. I still don’t think my trainers know how much they helped me to this day.
Doing the academy meant that I needed to up the ante on riding. I had to ride minimum five times a week to get my fitness to the level it needed to be. I was pretty much doing this already but this time, people were watching my progress. My technique was key and my intention and mindset had to shift. And suddenly, because of this, just like that after years, something else started to matter more than food and how I looked and nothing was going to get in my way of becoming an instructor.
I saw my fellow academy members bringing packed lunches to academy every day. It was the first time I saw wholesome food being enjoyed. I was watching exactly what they were eating. Maybe I can do the same? They need energy, they’re doing what I’m doing, so can I, right? Unknowingly, they were slowly motivating me to eat. I just felt like we were all in the same boat so slowly it helped my mind to try and accept; they were feeding their bodies with nutritious food in order to perform and help people. The reason why I was here was to help people too by giving back what this space gave me, so my mind started shifting - I needed nutritious food to perform too. For the riders and for myself.
But I had to start slow. With my mind being opened up to this new way of eating, the more classes I went to, the more tired I noticed I felt and suddenly, THIS was my demon. I started to get scared of being tired because that meant that I was not performing my best. That also meant that my position to become an instructor could also be jeopardised. I couldn't be scared of eating now, I HAD to eat and in that moment there was suddenly a dim light that I hadn’t seen in years. I started to try and fuel properly and of course, I started feeling better and had more energy, meaning I could do this better. Halfway through the academy, I started to feel more alive, more determined and like I physically could do this - even my trainers at one point questioned if I was physically strong enough because I was so frail. I was so focused, I took time off work to make sure I was getting in the hours to practice, train and ride. Nothing was going to stop me and suddenly my mindset really started to shift. It was no longer about eating or how I looked. The vision and light were there; so clear, so piercing that, for the first time in years, everything else became blurry. It wasn’t about me anymore, it was about my new found purpose; the riders, the people and the community I wanted to help and no one has any idea how rewarding that feeling is. Even to write it now, is an incredible blessing.
"The vision and light were there; so clear, so piercing that, for the first time in years, everything else became blurry."
Passing my rehearsal ride was undoubtedly one of best days of my life. I felt strong, I felt healthy, I felt happy. I had become one of the people that once helped me feel invincible when I felt invisible. It was the fact that I could now pass this feeling, of being safe, being seen, welcomed, happy and loved, strong and powerful on because I knew how important this place was to me and I wanted to make it the same for others. I had been there, I knew first hand, I had been through it myself. The bike reminded me of the real truth of who I am and a this time, who I was without the voices.
It's been nearly 5 years fully recovered since 2015 and my story is a reminder that my battles have become my purpose and my biggest triumphs and they are the reason I am who I am today. I live and teach through them. The fact that I can now give back this experience that once consumed me for 4 years is something that I am eternally grateful for. I am thankful for the struggles because, without them, I wouldn’t be here doing what I know I’m destined to be doing today. To being a Coach. After 3 months of working both in PR and teaching after I qualified from the Psycle Academy, I quit my full-time PR job and took a leap of faith going into fitness full-time. This was how much I believed and to this day I have not looked back.
When my community reach out to me, when they feel good after class, when they feel results during our time together and transform their struggles into their victories, hopefully now they may know how much it means to me to be there for them helping them. I know and have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I didn't end up here as a Coach to sell you a dream. I'm here to remind you of your truth and to remind you that your story is quite simply a gift.
Your battles are your triumphs. You are your power and no matter how hard it gets don't stop trusting yourself and the journey. You are always exactly where you're meant to be.
